Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with significant sadness that I must report, Gabriel (Fopsworth) Markley (who plays Linus on the Malex Minute) is leaving not only the show, but our whole team.

I would like to say that the separation is a cordial one, but that would be a lie.

In recent weeks, he grew increasingly irritated for no apparent reason, and would frequently accuse me of the most outrageous misdeeds. His attacks continued to grow increasingly personal, and despite Peter's and my best efforts, he finally went so far as to leave the team completely.

Since we were all partners in the endeavor, we were forced to buy out Fopsworth's share, leaving some doubt as to how we will be able to pay the bills for the next six months.

The stress from this whole ordeal has taken a massive toll on those of us still with the team. I have developed an acute non-trivial respiratory infarction, and overnight Peter simply shed some of his trademark fluffy golden hair.

We're not sure it will ever grow back.

I don't want to spread negative rumors about Gabriel, as he is still our brother and we still love him, despite the irreversible harm he has done to us and our endeavors. Just please don't be surprised at Linus's sudden and permanent absence from future Malex Minute episodes.

Assuming we can afford to produce any more...

ttyl

--Alex (Malex) Markley